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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
warning- Sean angst herein December 17, 2005 - 12:59:02
Well, it's not as bad as it used to be. Moulin Rouge and the Elephant Love Medly makes me think of Neil now, and drunken serenading, but still there are some songs that just grab my heart and squeeze it into a pulp, like "Come What May". I'm doing better, I really am. There will always be a couple songs that really make me think of Sean, like "Friday I'm in Love", "Mr. Brightside", and the sad lovey ones. Listening to those lately though don't make me actually cry, just a little sad inside. I guess I'd still not want to hear them around other people, or very often at all, but I'm ok with them. It all comes down to the fact that when you love someone you'll never really be over them. I don't know how I'd feel if I saw him. I really don't think I'd be able to move on completely until I was in the same room as him again, and didn't want to run crying. I guess the biggest test would be hugging him, that's what did it the most last time. Damn, just thinking about that is bringing tears to my eyes. Am I doing this because it'll help the healing process, or because I'm trying to prove something to myself? It's been about two months, and I'm doing better than last time. That could be just because I haven't seen him, but that's not going to change, so I guess it doesn't make much difference. I'll be ok, I just need several years before I can love anyone again. Damn. - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ]
BAD December 4, 2005 - 20:09:17
I hate stress, especially when I don't realize how much I have until I break down multiple times in a weekend. BOOOOOO - Kitty [ Comments ( 2 ) ]
Did I ever tell you... December 2, 2005 - 22:07:53
I don't like to let people see me cry. - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ]
what, free time? November 30, 2005 - 0:01:32
Tonight is the first Tuesday that I will have slept alone in over a month. Yes, that is ever since Sean and I broke up. It was almost a week later, and I had to recover from a PChem test. Stop judging me! *runs away screaming* Anyway, this means I actually had some free time this evening. I got all of the homework I really had done (an analysis due tomorrow, and an assignment due Thurs). It feels really nice to not have to do anything. I also started making a schmooey scarf for myself, so I'll work on that all tomorrow, yay! This also means I get to sleep in tomorrow. That almost never happens. I usually trade in extra sleep for very cuddly sleep, which seems like a good deal to me. It will be nice though, sleeping at least an extra hour. I'll be able to make a nice breakfast, and have plenty of time to make a lunch as well, so the morning will not be rushed at all. I like having an hour to do nothing in the mornings, but I generally like my sleep more. - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ]
and it continues November 26, 2005 - 13:20:11
So my grandpa called on Thanksgiving, so I talked to him for a bit, and he asked whether I had a boyfriend coming over for thanksgiving, and I said no. When I told my dad this, his comment was "No, he's in Eau Claire." I rolled my eyes at him, and he said "I know he's not your boyfriend, just a good friend. But the best person to marry is a good friend." I almost ran out of the room screaming. The next day I had to call Claire to tell her I'd be leaving early so she didn't need to give me a ride home. My parents asked me many, many times if I made sure to call Claire and tell her I was going back early. Then my dad asked if I also called Brian to tell him that I was coming back early. *headdesk* So my brother claims he has his network of spies so he knows what I'm up to. Oh if only that were true. Freshman year of high school I went to Homecoming with a guy named Brian. For YEARS afterward my brother would yell in this singsong voice at me "BRIIIAAAANNNN!" What would he do now? I really don't want to know. - Kitty [ Comments ( 5 ) ]
That's two now, or is it three? November 23, 2005 - 22:07:12
While my dad and I were in the car, the conversation somehow got to the fact that he thought the biggest reason Sean and I wouldn't work in the end was an intellectual issue. He says that he thinks that the person I best match up intellectually with is Brian. Maybe instead of counting the number of people that think we're dating, I should count the number of people that tell me how good of an idea it would be. - Kitty [ Comments ( 3 ) ]
That's what you get when I'm alone. November 20, 2005 - 10:16:36
It's been a month now since Sean and I broke up. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I got feelings of missing him. Maybe it's the fact that it was the first night I'd slept alone in four days, and I've just been seeking another's embrace for solace all this time. I don't really think so, because I don't feel like I did a month gone past last time around. I read over my lj entries the month following both breakups, and I think I've really been much happier this time around compared to the first. When it first happened, I'd act in a similar manner (not quite as fast, maybe), but still missed him terribly. There was plenty of Sean ANGST then, and although I have mentioned him frequently in my lj, it's not the same. I've felt more at peace with everything this month than I ever did last time. I guess it has to do with the fact that I was still very much in love with him the first time we broke up, but that wasn't the case this time around. It still hurts if I think abouyt how much I hurt him, but I really don't feel the chest wrenching terror of being apart from him. All this tells me is that I'm not quite over him yet. As much as I've been doing better, and acting like I'm already in another relationship, I've still got a bit of healing to do. I don't think I'll know whether I'm completely over him or not until I can be in the same room as him again, and that won't happen for a long, long time, if ever again. I guess there's still a bit of uncertainty now, but it's not the "did I do the right thing" kind, more of a "I have no idea what's going to happen" which is ok. - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ]
Dangerous, dangerous. November 14, 2005 - 1:21:53
One big problem I had with Sean (at least at one point) was a lack of separation of self. He carried himself as basically an extension of me, and I started to feel the same way. This is worse than that, I'd almost say. - Kitty [ Comments ( 2 ) ]
It's bondage (not the good kind). November 10, 2005 - 8:39:06
I was reading up on my friends list on lj, and found this scenario on one of my friend's posts: Would you rather be with a girl who’s got a great body that wants to show it to you and all your friends, or for that matter, the whole world? Or a woman who politely tells every other man who asks her “there are only two men that I let see me naked. My doctor and my love. And, come to think of it, lately my doctors have been mainly female.” That made me realize just how much I resented Sean for asking that he be the only person allowed to see me naked. At the time it made complete sense (and still does make sense, in a way), but I just can't function like that. I need to be free to do what I want, with who I want. I am not modest; in my mind it's just a body. Any meaning there is put there, not already existing. I don't think that being allowed to be less clothed around other people takes away something special from intimate nakedness, because it's all in your mind anyway. There's lots to be said about revealing clothes being allowed, or not, and the effect that has on personal time, but I won’t get into that. My point is the realization of how much I associate being in a relationship to being caged and held back. I don’t want to date anyone right now because that would mean I CAN’T do this or that, or whatever, even if I’m not actually going to anyway. It’s possible that I’ve just dated too many people that have been far too possessive, but I’ve got a feeling in my mind that relationships = bad right now. The whole Erika groping me turned into a big issue with Sean, and at the time I thought it was other issues manifesting in something dumb, but now I don’t really think so. That issue was the embodiment of all of the things that I wanted that I wasn’t allowed to have, and shouldn’t have wanted anyway, because I was dating Sean. I always say that if I’m with anyone they need to be not jealous at all, because I’m a flirt, but it goes further than that. I have very different concepts of what is right and proper for a relationship than most people. I want to be free to allow my friends to see my naked body, if I so choose. It’s so much easier to be able to just change in front of someone, without saying “Could you close your eyes, or turn, or leave the room?” I want to be able to kiss people on the mouth as a friendly greeting. I had that at home for a couple of weeks, before I started dating Sean, and it made me feel happy and loved, being able to be so affectionate with everyone. I don’t have that anymore; I haven’t since I started dating him. I want to be able to randomly fool around with someone if the mood takes me, and not worry about whether I’m hurting someone’s feelings or not. Yeah, it’s a dumb reason but I’m fucking 20 years old, and I think I should be able to have a period of sexual freedom. So there. I want to be able to develop lots of different feelings for many people at once, and not feel like it’s unnatural and wrong. So maybe “polyamory” (poliphilia, multiamory, whatever the hell you want to call it) is a fad, or an idealized idea that will never really work, like Communism. I don’t really care. I’m in the middle of discovering myself, and I’ll never know if I just like the idea but it’s not for me, or if it’s really something that would make me happy unless I can try it. I’ll never know if I keep getting into these monogamous relationships one after another. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m actually bisexual or not, because I’ve never been single long enough to actually try anything! As usual, my ramblings went places I didn’t intend, and I’ve lost my original thought. It didn’t help that I started, went to class, and then finished it many hours later. I’m sure I’ll be ranting more about all of this later, and I’m equally sure that this isn’t the first time I’ve said any of this. So yeah, anyone that’s read all this wasted their time, because I am redundant. Hooray! - Kitty [ Comments ( 3 ) ] |
