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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
not private, but not happy February 25, 2006 - 22:17:13
Why do I do this to myself? Should I delete all the music on my computer that makes me think of him? Should I throw out the cds that he made me so I have no copies? I'm never going to be over him, I'll never stop feeling bad about how it ended. I've been told that two months is long enough, but I'll never really get rid of the guilt. I have something good now. I don't regret things that I've done, and I don't know if I could have done anything differently. How can I be steady in a new relationship when the last one will never completely release me from its grip? - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
I am such a girlfriend January 26, 2006 - 14:53:37
I'm starting to get the irrational girl logic going on, but at least I recognize it for how stupid it is. Last night I made some comment about how Brian and I could just do the optional homework over the weekend, and he responded "I'm going to be really busy this weekend though." At some point someone installed a fucked up translator in my head, because the way my mind automatically interpreted that was "I'm going to be busy, too busy to spend any time with you." I know that's complete bullshit, especially as the thing that's making his weekend all busy is because of me. We're going to the cities for his birthday on Saturday, so I'm probably going to be with him all weekend. It's so weird because that one sentence made me feel a myriad of things, including the idea that he's always so busy on the weekends that I don't get to see him enough (which is completely not true). I don't know who wired my brain for girl translation, but I want it stopped right now! - Kitty [ Comments ( 4 ) ]
Had to post because it's still so weird January 9, 2006 - 20:49:05
Hee hee, I have a boyfriend! - Kitty [ Comments ( 5 ) ]
crossposted everywhere, it's that important December 28, 2005 - 22:33:13
What the fuck, seriously! I don't know why I thought it would be different, but it's always the same when I come home. They make me think they've changed by not freaking out about the things I think they'd most be scared of, yet they're still the stifling, nosy, worrywort insensible parents that I know so well. I was at Daria's house today, which I have done often enough. My parents knew exactly where I was, becuse my dad dropped me off there. The problem was that usually I'm there for a couple hours, and am home by five. I just got home, and my mom yells at me for not calling to check in. It wasn't even fucking ten o'clock! Yes, it's longer than I'm usually there, but you knew where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with! It's not my fault that you expect me to follow bizarre expectations that I don't understand. I'm fucking twenty years old, and have been living without you to watch my every move for about three years now. Yes, I'm still dependent on you, but I'm not at all used to having to check in every two hours, just so you can know I'm not dead in a street somewhere. Don't you fucking trust me? I know people who had more freedom when they were ten. Don't yell and bitch at me when I'm not sure how to act, and apologize for making a mistake. When I apologized for not calling in because I didn't know I was supposed to, having been not home for many months, forgetting that that was the procedure (even though I'm fairly certain that has never even been standard expectation) my mom threw a fit. She told me to pack so they could take me back if that's the way it was. Actually, I was a little bit happy at that, because that means I didn't have to worry about offending my parents with my lack of holiday cheer, and I'd get to have a New Years. I know, I still have several people to see (I've got plans with two people tomorrow), so leaving so soon would be a sad thing too. (un?)Fortunately, I'm not actually going back until Monday, when I can check into the apartment. I'm really sorry to any of my friends from here, but "home" is Eau Claire for me now. It seems I actually have friends there for once, and I'm happier more often there than I am at here. Whenever I'm in Minnesota I feel stressed and left out. I feel like I have nothing to do, no one to see, and that my whole existence is pointless. At least there I'm being somewhat productive. Here I'm just sitting on my ass being a waste of my parents assets. I'm bored, and I don't feel like I can really just call anyone to do anything. I've made this commentless so no one can respond with this with protests of friendship and claiming that I can always call you when I want, because it's too late to salvage any friendships that I used to have. They've all wilted and faded since I've been away. It often seems like the only thing that was holding me back here last year was Sean, and Sean's friends. Also, everyone's so busy with whatever's going on in their lives that I wouldn't know when to call anyway. I'm scared of the phone, so I don't want to waste anyone's time. I've never been good at keeping friendships, so why start now? My dad just came downstairs and apologized for my mom's overreacting to his being worried. Why can't they trust me? I know it means they care, and that they only don't want me to get hurt, but it still feels like I'm not allowed to actually live. If they want to keep track of me, get me a damn cell phone or pager or something so they can call me as soon as they start to get worried about anything in particular. I'm fucking sick of it. This might be one fucking reason that I'm not coming back to Minnesota until I graduate, so I can actually live. Again, not like anyone would really care. Fucking hell. Long angry posts are not good at all. - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ] |
