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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
I've never been good at this November 5, 2005 - 1:11:53
I think my biggest problem with dealing with the breakup is that I'm not in love with Sean. It sounds like it would be the opposite, make it easier, but I don't know how to deal with that. Sometime I stopped being in love with him, and didn't realize it until it was too late. This isn't the first time I've had this thought, and it always feels so horrible. I feel like I've betrayed him, because I'm not in love. He always was adamant about how there's a difference between loving someone, and being in love with them, and that's the problem. Of course I will always love him, but I couldn't stay in a situation where he was so in love with me that all else ceased to matter, and I just didn't feel the same. What I don't understand is when and why it happened. I was in love with him last year, I just don't know when it stopped. I was still in love when I ended things the first time, and when we got back together, but sometime in the last several months it just stopped. This is the tricky thing, that I'm not mourning the loss of Sean, but the loss of a feeling that I didn't think I could have. I didn't even like it, most of the time. It's so dumb, now it feels like there's a part of me that's missing, that I didn't even want in the first place. I'm remembering now how it felt to be so in love with him, that pressing our bodies tightly together with no space in between still wasn't close enough. It was so strong that I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside. Now that feeling is gone and I feel like I've been torn apart. There's a gaping hole in my chest, and I don't know what's supposed to fill it. I had more thoughts, and a finish to this, but it all evaporated. This is all I have, and I'll have to live with that. - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
Not the best. October 31, 2005 - 16:01:30
I don't know if I can feel. It could be that I'm too afraid to feel anything, or that I've buried it down inside myself for too long, but thinking about things doesn't get to me so much. I know I should be sad. I should be fucking distraught. I know how I get when I realize that I'm not with Sean, and this is so not it. All I can do at the moment is know that I should be sad right now, and instead get some general bit of apathy about it. Whenever anything about Sean pops into my head my brain just sort of shuts off, and doesn't do anything anymore. Not the best situation to have. I'm guessing I'll have a couple more breakdowns like the one on Thursday, and I have no idea when they'll appear. - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
Don't eat the apple, wait until it's ripe! October 27, 2005 - 8:33:08
Would forbidden fruit taste as sweet with no context? If I wasn't hungry and taunted, would it still occupy my mind? I just had a huge dinner that made me almost sick, so I had to stop eating. Now I see this fruit, and I'm hungry again. I know that being denied something makes the desire all the greater, and that keeping it on the mind only makes things worse, but I can't stop. All I have to do is be patient, and I'll be able to have all I want. If I wait until the rest of my food is through my system I'll be able to eat even more dessert, and enjoy it more. I said I was going to fast, but somehow I never have the willpower to make that go for any significant amount of time. - Kitty [ Comments ( 5 ) ]
An unsent love letter October 26, 2005 - 10:04:36
This is a private message - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
thoughts October 24, 2005 - 23:58:33
Note to self, make an entry later about thoughts that I've been having that I really don't have time for at the moment. Fucking hell. - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
I love having anxiety dreams. October 24, 2005 - 8:21:44
Last night my theme of dreams of flipping out and fighting with everyone continued. There were a couple scenes in it, I can't really remember them. I know that after a few situations I stormed off, trying not to cry. I wandered around, looking for a place I could be alone so I could cry. Everywhere I went I just kept seeing more and more things that made me want to cry even more, because they all reminded me of how alone I am, how I dont fit in anywhere, how my life isn't going anywhere, and lots of other stuff (I know there was at least one thing about Sean there, probably more). I know, this isn't necessarily true in life, but it's a dream, remember. I woke up and just curled up and started crying. It was only a few tears, and I fell back asleep quickly, but it's still not a good sign. My dreams reflect the thoughts and feelings that I'm too busy to be feeling when I'm awake. Three more days until I can feel. Well, another week until I have time to feel, so that doesn't help much. I don't like this game. - Kitty [ Comments ( 0 ) ]
but it hasn't been a week! October 23, 2005 - 23:53:45
Well, I almost cracked in two tonight. I blame the horrible stress that was working on the art history presentation. I later found a new comment on my lj, an entry that had me listening to "All you need is love" and calling it a lie, which read: "Love is all you need." Boooo. I think I might disable anonymous posting, or maybe just make it all friends only. The comment really only has sad effect if it's from who I think it is, but why would he be reading my livejournal? I can't start thinking about it now, I don't have the time or mental capabilities. I just can't. I can't live by love, I can't let everything else that's important fall away because I love someone. He loves me more than I love him, just because of how we function. This has been a problem before, my questionable capacity to love. And here is yet another example of what a geek I am, thinking about the definition of "love capacity" has made me forget where I am in this. I'll have to finish it another day. Not tomorrow, too busy studying for PChem. Not Tuesday, too busy studying for Nutrition. Not Thursday, juggling and NoBrandCon. Not Friday, shopping for lots of things with Brian, and a possible brainspike. Not Saturday, party at Zombie house. Ok then, I give myself another week from now until I can feel anything again. - Kitty [ Comments ( 2 ) ]
Relationship update October 20, 2005 - 0:44:43
I am very, completely, utterly alone. - Kitty [ Comments ( 5 ) ]
Wisdom from a Dove chocolate wrapper October 17, 2005 - 16:05:13
"Love without rules." - Kitty [ Comments ( 1 ) ] |
