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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
It's bondage (not the good kind). November 10, 2005 - 8:39:06
I was reading up on my friends list on lj, and found this scenario on one of my friend's posts: Would you rather be with a girl who’s got a great body that wants to show it to you and all your friends, or for that matter, the whole world? Or a woman who politely tells every other man who asks her “there are only two men that I let see me naked. My doctor and my love. And, come to think of it, lately my doctors have been mainly female.” That made me realize just how much I resented Sean for asking that he be the only person allowed to see me naked. At the time it made complete sense (and still does make sense, in a way), but I just can't function like that. I need to be free to do what I want, with who I want. I am not modest; in my mind it's just a body. Any meaning there is put there, not already existing. I don't think that being allowed to be less clothed around other people takes away something special from intimate nakedness, because it's all in your mind anyway. There's lots to be said about revealing clothes being allowed, or not, and the effect that has on personal time, but I won’t get into that. My point is the realization of how much I associate being in a relationship to being caged and held back. I don’t want to date anyone right now because that would mean I CAN’T do this or that, or whatever, even if I’m not actually going to anyway. It’s possible that I’ve just dated too many people that have been far too possessive, but I’ve got a feeling in my mind that relationships = bad right now. The whole Erika groping me turned into a big issue with Sean, and at the time I thought it was other issues manifesting in something dumb, but now I don’t really think so. That issue was the embodiment of all of the things that I wanted that I wasn’t allowed to have, and shouldn’t have wanted anyway, because I was dating Sean. I always say that if I’m with anyone they need to be not jealous at all, because I’m a flirt, but it goes further than that. I have very different concepts of what is right and proper for a relationship than most people. I want to be free to allow my friends to see my naked body, if I so choose. It’s so much easier to be able to just change in front of someone, without saying “Could you close your eyes, or turn, or leave the room?” I want to be able to kiss people on the mouth as a friendly greeting. I had that at home for a couple of weeks, before I started dating Sean, and it made me feel happy and loved, being able to be so affectionate with everyone. I don’t have that anymore; I haven’t since I started dating him. I want to be able to randomly fool around with someone if the mood takes me, and not worry about whether I’m hurting someone’s feelings or not. Yeah, it’s a dumb reason but I’m fucking 20 years old, and I think I should be able to have a period of sexual freedom. So there. I want to be able to develop lots of different feelings for many people at once, and not feel like it’s unnatural and wrong. So maybe “polyamory” (poliphilia, multiamory, whatever the hell you want to call it) is a fad, or an idealized idea that will never really work, like Communism. I don’t really care. I’m in the middle of discovering myself, and I’ll never know if I just like the idea but it’s not for me, or if it’s really something that would make me happy unless I can try it. I’ll never know if I keep getting into these monogamous relationships one after another. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m actually bisexual or not, because I’ve never been single long enough to actually try anything! As usual, my ramblings went places I didn’t intend, and I’ve lost my original thought. It didn’t help that I started, went to class, and then finished it many hours later. I’m sure I’ll be ranting more about all of this later, and I’m equally sure that this isn’t the first time I’ve said any of this. So yeah, anyone that’s read all this wasted their time, because I am redundant. Hooray! - Kitty
Then what do I do? I click on it, and find I can't read it. There is something very wrong with me.  |
