a strange sort of community
A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
There are good things. April 8, 2007 - 1:39:13
Leah: I think I will have good dreams because I've been looking at cute animals for a long time.
Brian: I think I will have good dreams because I spent a good deal of time drawing a picture of a cute girl.

It makes me want to cry because I don't know how to deal with having such a wonderful boyfriend.

- Kitty
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Sometimes I hate myself. March 29, 2007 - 15:27:34
Apparantly I've been complaining about the mess at the Manor and acting as though I live there. The latter I will concede to, and admit that it's not cool. That's something to work on, and makes me feel bad. The first, though, I have no memory of doing. Brian has said that I have most definitely complained about the kitchen, or dishes, or whatnot, but I don't feel that I have. Perhaps I've said something in passing about there being dirty dishes or something, but it certainly wasn't anything enough to stick in my mind, and I haven't ever been upset about the state of the house. I guess the only thing I can think of is my siding with Pat on occasion about his complaints about the house. That was only saying that he had the right to complain, but perhaps they all think I agree completely with him that the house is disgusting.

The thing that bothers me is that Neil is worried about living with Brian next year if I'm going to be over there a lot. He doesn't want to come home after a hard day of work with me there being cranky. I will admit that he shouldn't have to deal with someone else's emotional problems all the time, but I'm a bit startled that it's that much of an issue. I don't know what he would think if Brian had a problem with Erika being there very much. Perhaps she will be living with Neil for real next year instead of just for all practical purposes, but the comparison in my mind is not good.

I worry that Brian and I are only together for convinience, such as being in all the same classes and in the same school groups, and having the same friends. Then there's the other worry that our groups of friends are Brian's friends, and not mine. I don't really doubt that if we broke up he would be the one invited to everything, and I would get tossed to the curb. It makes me want to just stop contact just so I don't get hurt.

 I honestly don't know what Brian thinks about the future for us, and I'm terrified to ask. About six months ago there was the possibility that we would live together next year. Gradually it evolved to a situation that seems as though it would be the worst thing possible if we did. I had been assuming that we would perhaps live together the year after next, but now I'm scared that it will never happen.

I can't even finish this because I'm too scared to put to writing what I really want out of this.

- Kitty
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interviews December 26, 2006 - 12:26:52
I think we all know the trend here.

From Trae:
1. What is the chemistry behind making pancakes yummy?
There isn't really much known about the chemistry of sweetness because the different sweeteners can have such different structures and properties. What I do know is that the rising action of the baking powder causes the pleasant texture of light and fluffy cakes.

2. Can you look at swedish fish without laughing?
Yes I can, because for some reason all of my amusement from that time was placed upon your love of Coke.

3. If you could do one thing in your life differently, what would it be?
I would have started working on grad school applications a month ago.

4. What was your first impression of me?
When I first saw you I thought you looked like someone I knew from Rocky (dark long hair and beard). When I started talking to you I thought you were a ridiculous flirt, which I liked.

5. Ball of String?
It depends on what kind of string, really. The kind with floofy stuff hanging off is soft and nice, but gets tangled so so easily. That string is best when it's alredy made into a sweater or scarf. The best string/yarn to play with is just the regular kind. I don't chase after them on my own, but of course if someone throws one in front of me I have to jump on it.

You all know the drill.

- Kitty
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interesting November 22, 2006 - 17:19:08
So I'm just listening to music on my computer, and since I burned quite a bit from Sean, many of the songs have at least some connection to him. I was listening to one song, which had an ending that made me think, "Oh dammit, Sean."

The next song that comes on is "Tainted Love"

- Kitty
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I'll play your game. August 12, 2006 - 11:00:33
Based on various things, I'm feeling even more that there's probably something wrong with my mind/emotions right now. I've felt this way for at least half a year. At first I blamed it on PMS (something that had never bothered me before), then I said it could be my body's reaction to starting birth control. Then it was the end of the year stress, and then it was getting used to a different schedule (and I'm always depressed in the summer anyway). Ooh, a pattern? Anytime something happens, I just make excuses. I don't think any of this is really what's bothering me, and I have no excuses anymore. I have a good job, a wonderful boyfriend, friends and family who care about me, and I've got a decent schedule that shouldn't leave me bored and tired.

At the beginning of the summer I said that I was going to talk to someone about it, but really I'm scared. Most of the time I feel that I don't have anything to say, so how will that help? I told my parents about how I've been feeling, and my dad's reaction was that it's normal. Everyone gets these feelings a lot because the world is hard. What the fuck kind of reaction is that? That is exactly what you're not supposed to say when someone tells you they think they might have a problem with depression. If this is completely normal, and everyone has basically all of the symptoms of depression and just lives with them, why should I bother trying to do anything? If it's not a problem, nothing's wrong, so I should just keep on doing whatever it is that I am, until it gets so bad that I ruin all of the relationships in my life and finally kill myself because everyone hates me. Fuck you, Dad. I thought you would understand. See if I ever tell you anything that's worrying me ever again.

It's just hard. Some basic symptoms include: consistently feeling sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, pessimistic, guilty, worthless, helpless, restless, irritable, fatigued, and worn down. Every single one of these I have repeatedly felt, especially this summer. Sure, it's easy to say "of course I feel like that- OMG I must be depressed!" Then again I've had more behavioral symptoms, like difficulty concentrating (especially this week) , apathy towards my usual everyday activities, chronic pain or symptoms that has no real cause (my back and arms have been aching for a couple weeks, and I'm almost constantly nauseous- especially when upset). Basically the entire month of June I couldn't sleep properly, always having stressful dreams/nightmares that would wake me constantly. Now all I feel like I want to do is sleep.

Of course this is probably just me being melodramatic, but lately I've had many friends tell me that they're worried about me. Wednesday I drank more than I realized and immideately snapped from being happy-tipsy to distraught falling down drunk. I still think that I kept collapsing because I was so frustrated about not being left alone than due to being drunk. Still, I have a painful bruise on my knee that I have no memory of, and the mark on my wrist/hand (from where I slammed my fist against the wall in frustration) has gotten nicely yellow-purple with red edges. If it's gotten bad enough that I've started causing injury to myself unintentionally, how much longer before I start hurting myself on purpose, or harming others?

I just don't know what to do, and my thoughts are starting to unravel, so I guess I'll leave it at that.

- Kitty
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not important July 3, 2006 - 18:41:24
I'm realizing that I haven't updated this regularly since February. Even then, it was mostly private posts. I seem to be able to update my livejournal regularly, but those entries don't really have anything of substance. Really, the only time that this journal seemed to have purpose was when I was getting over Sean and ranting about how much I liked Brian, which was a secret but everyone knew it anyway. So, in the light of this fact, here goes:

It still hurts sometimes, and will likely never stop. Most of the time I don't even remember why I dated him. I'm glad we're not together anymore, but I will always feel like a huge bitch for how it ended. And of course this is just repeating what I've already said a billion times here and other places.

Brian is wonderful, but I put too much on him. I don't really know how exactly we ended up dating, and I don't know why it didn't happen sooner. Of course that never happens. I would say something else, but this is definately not the place for that.

- Kitty
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I'm not even sad. June 5, 2006 - 18:55:03
These tears come so easy, so easy.
- Kitty
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Best Valentine's Day Ever. April 30, 2006 - 23:22:34
    Dammit, Brian, why can't you be like normal people?
- Kitty
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Why are the happy posts private? TMI February 26, 2006 - 21:27:34
This is a private message
Password required:

- Kitty
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