A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems

I've never been good at this November 5, 2005 - 1:11:53

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I think my biggest problem with dealing with the breakup is that I'm not in love with Sean. It sounds like it would be the opposite, make it easier, but I don't know how to deal with that. Sometime I stopped being in love with him, and didn't realize it until it was too late. This isn't the first time I've had this thought, and it always feels so horrible. I feel like I've betrayed him, because I'm not in love. He always was adamant about how there's a difference between loving someone, and being in love with them, and that's the problem. Of course I will always love him, but I couldn't stay in a situation where he was so in love with me that all else ceased to matter, and I just didn't feel the same.

What I don't understand is when and why it happened. I was in love with him last year, I just don't know when it stopped. I was still in love when I ended things the first time, and when we got back together, but sometime in the last several months it just stopped. This is the tricky thing, that I'm not mourning the loss of Sean, but the loss of a feeling that I didn't think I could have. I didn't even like it, most of the time.

It's so dumb, now it feels like there's a part of me that's missing, that I didn't even want in the first place. I'm remembering now how it felt to be so in love with him, that pressing our bodies tightly together with no space in between still wasn't close enough. It was so strong that I felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside. Now that feeling is gone and I feel like I've been torn apart. There's a gaping hole in my chest, and I don't know what's supposed to fill it.

I had more thoughts, and a finish to this, but it all evaporated. This is all I have, and I'll have to live with that.
- Kitty

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