| TRHBlogs a strange sort of community | |
 | |
A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
The first of many rants May 31, 2005 - 18:51:34
Ok, I might as well start. I feel like shit. I'm completely alone in the house, and while it's actually warm outside for a change, I'm incredibly cold, as per usual. I feel empty, and depressed, and incredibly alone. I feel like nothing I do can have any meaning, as I will always ultimately screw something huge up. I'll always be alone because I won't let people get close to me, and when someone somehow slips through the cracks, I lose myself and freak out when I realize what's happened. I can't stop feeling shitty, sad, and antisocial, even though I've actually gotten out and done things. There's nothing I want to do, and no one I want to see. Except for one person, but he realizes more than I do how much I need to spend time away from everyone and figure out who the hell I am. I feel like everything I am is leaking out my center, and now that I actually have time to think, my brain is more chaotic than ever. I can't focus. I feel like there's no one I can go to, like none of my friends are close enough to help me when I need it. There are so many people that would be willing to listen, I know, but there's no one I can think of that I can talk to, to just go to for the simple hug that I so desparately need. I have more friends now than I have ever had, and I feel farther apart from all of them. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. The past few years I've been more generally happy about my life than before, but also more often randomly feeling down without any reason. I should be living it up. I have so many things that are good in my life, things that I didn't even used to have. I could do anything I want, but there isn't anything. I can't reach out and grab for something, because I don't know what's out there. I'm lost. I don't know where I am, where I'm going, or who I have with me. - Kitty |
