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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
I'll play your game. August 12, 2006 - 10:00:33
Based on various things, I'm feeling even more that there's probably something wrong with my mind/emotions right now. I've felt this way for at least half a year. At first I blamed it on PMS (something that had never bothered me before), then I said it could be my body's reaction to starting birth control. Then it was the end of the year stress, and then it was getting used to a different schedule (and I'm always depressed in the summer anyway). Ooh, a pattern? Anytime something happens, I just make excuses. I don't think any of this is really what's bothering me, and I have no excuses anymore. I have a good job, a wonderful boyfriend, friends and family who care about me, and I've got a decent schedule that shouldn't leave me bored and tired. At the beginning of the summer I said that I was going to talk to someone about it, but really I'm scared. Most of the time I feel that I don't have anything to say, so how will that help? I told my parents about how I've been feeling, and my dad's reaction was that it's normal. Everyone gets these feelings a lot because the world is hard. What the fuck kind of reaction is that? That is exactly what you're not supposed to say when someone tells you they think they might have a problem with depression. If this is completely normal, and everyone has basically all of the symptoms of depression and just lives with them, why should I bother trying to do anything? If it's not a problem, nothing's wrong, so I should just keep on doing whatever it is that I am, until it gets so bad that I ruin all of the relationships in my life and finally kill myself because everyone hates me. Fuck you, Dad. I thought you would understand. See if I ever tell you anything that's worrying me ever again. It's just hard. Some basic symptoms include: consistently feeling sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, pessimistic, guilty, worthless, helpless, restless, irritable, fatigued, and worn down. Every single one of these I have repeatedly felt, especially this summer. Sure, it's easy to say "of course I feel like that- OMG I must be depressed!" Then again I've had more behavioral symptoms, like difficulty concentrating (especially this week) , apathy towards my usual everyday activities, chronic pain or symptoms that has no real cause (my back and arms have been aching for a couple weeks, and I'm almost constantly nauseous- especially when upset). Basically the entire month of June I couldn't sleep properly, always having stressful dreams/nightmares that would wake me constantly. Now all I feel like I want to do is sleep. Of course this is probably just me being melodramatic, but lately I've had many friends tell me that they're worried about me. Wednesday I drank more than I realized and immideately snapped from being happy-tipsy to distraught falling down drunk. I still think that I kept collapsing because I was so frustrated about not being left alone than due to being drunk. Still, I have a painful bruise on my knee that I have no memory of, and the mark on my wrist/hand (from where I slammed my fist against the wall in frustration) has gotten nicely yellow-purple with red edges. If it's gotten bad enough that I've started causing injury to myself unintentionally, how much longer before I start hurting myself on purpose, or harming others? I just don't know what to do, and my thoughts are starting to unravel, so I guess I'll leave it at that. - Kitty |
