A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems

No more being ruled by a calendar June 25, 2005 - 23:22:42

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I had forgotten until now that a big part of what happened was timing. I think the reason I went so far as to end the relationship was because I didn't have time to figure out what problems there might have been and fix them. I knew if I was going to break up with him I had to do it then or not at all. The week after that was my cabin, the week after that was NoBrandCon, and after that it was two weeks before Rocky again, so there was no better time to do it. I said that I did not make the decision lightly, but I don't think I had enough time to make it. I had about a week to think about it, and most of my thinking was done over the weekend, after pretty much having made the decision. I felt like I had to do it, and I don't really know why. I think I was too scared about next year already, and the thought that I wouldn't have time to date anyone, and I thought it would be easier to distance myself from him before then. It's not easy at all. If I had waited until the summer to figure things out, maybe we could have worked through whatever problems there may have been, or maybe it would have ended anyway. If I had waited until I went back to school, I could be immersed in schoolwork instead of having all too much time to go back and forth in my head. I wouldn't have this nagging uncertainty in any case.

I still haven't really gotten over my love of schedules. I'd had in my mind for a while that if we did decide to get back together this summer tomorrow would be the best day. In one hour it will be what would have been our one year anniversary. If we had decided to try again it would have been the perfect day, to repeat things. Again I convinced myself that if it wasn't tomorrow, it's not at all. Maybe I give myself these deadlines so I'll make a decision instead of wavering for all eternity, but all it seems to be doing is causing me to make hasty decisions that probably aren't the best option. I don't know if I should go with my original thought and give up all hope after tomorrow, or keep thinking.
- Kitty

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