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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
How can I be with him without being WITH him? June 24, 2005 - 17:54:12
I really miss him. It really is SEAN that I miss, and not the comfort of being in a relationship and being taken care of. I miss being with him, seeing him and having fun with him. He makes me happy, even though not being able to be with him feels like there's a spear in my chest. As hard as it is, I was happier those moments I spent with him this summer. I know I cried every time I saw him, but I've been crying pretty much every day anyway, so that doesn't make a bit of difference, except that we could take comfort in each other. Not calling him Sunday will be really hard. I feel like I've lost more than a relationship if I can't even have him as a friend. I gave a big part of myself to him, and nothing can change that, no matter how long we are apart. I think about the person I was before I dated him, and the person I am now. How could I think that I could grow as a person better without him when I changed so much (for the better) by being with him? I was just a broken shell before I was with him, and everything that I've gained is falling apart again. None of this really matters though, as he said his goodbye. Even if I did call him or email him he probably wouldn't want to talk to me, and most likely wouldn't take me back if I begged him. I let him closer than anyone else ever got, and he understood me better than anyone else ever did. I know I have friends that care so much about me and would always be there, but without him I'm alone. He's the only one I want to talk to, the only one I want to be with, the only one I want to see. You can't choose who you fall in love with, but I always said that even if I could choose, it would be Sean. I'll never find anyone better, never be able to be happier than I was with him. I was a fool, and there's no going back. - Kitty |
