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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
And this is why I struggle October 5, 2005 - 16:03:41
I love him. I don't know if I've been giving the impression that I just don't love him anymore, but that's really not the case. I still love him so much, and it's easier to say I'm mad at something he's done or said than to admit that things just generally aren't working the way they should. I really don't want to hurt him, but there's no way I can avoid it. The thought of ripping his heart out (again) was pretty much enough that I don't want to ever suggest ending it. I love him so much, but that's the only thing that's left. I don't have fun with him anymore, I don't want him near my friends, and I don't want to take time out of my schedule to talk to him every night. He bores me and I don't have time to indulge someone that isn't adding anything to my life. I don't know when it happened. Why now do I just not like being around him? The only thing that's changed is me, and I can't really see how I've changed because I'm me. It's too close a time to before for me to know how I'm different, why it worked then and doesn't now. The way relationships last is that when people change, they change together and still love each other through every thing that happens. I’ve changed a lot during the past year, as people in college tend to do. Even if I hadn’t been in school I’m constantly changing, so the way I act and view things is never the same. I’m forever learning new things, having new experiences, meeting new people, and many other things that change my behavior patterns. The problem here is that Sean hasn’t changed since high school. He’s worked in the same job for over two years now (which is good, he has a job), but he hasn’t really worked at making any advancement in said job. He’s not going anywhere. He has no plans to go to school ever, and he’s not learning anything on his own. Even if I wasn’t in school I think I’d still be trying to learn about something. No, he just sits about playing video games and reading comic books whenever he’s home. He still talks and acts the exact same as when I met him, which is unfortunate because it’s old now. Personal growth is one thing that keeps relationships fun and exiting. It doesn't seem like he's learned anything about people or the world since we've started dating, like he doesn't live in the same world as me. Change isn't all bad, it just happens. I get bored easily, and the only way to keep up is to change as fast as me, which he’s never going to do. I do not want to be dating Sean of now in another year. When I graduate college would I be able to be with someone like that? No way. This just doesn’t work with my view of life in the future. His future is the same as now. It won’t work. I think the relationship became doomed when I decided to quit Rocky, and he decided to stay on. We don’t have anything in common anymore. I never realized how big a thing that was to our relationship. I never realized that Rocky was that important. I should have, because that’s basically all we did when I was at school. Now it’s something that bothers me, and is still important to him. There’s nothing holding us together anymore except the fact that we love each other, and love has never been enough for me. I’m moving to bigger and better things, and if he doesn’t grow with me I have to leave him behind. - Kitty |
