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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
I'm no fucking Juliet September 24, 2005 - 13:35:33
I love Sean, but I'm afraid I'm starting to not like him. I know I love him, because I still get all those “love” feelings that have nothing to do with sex. Still I get the feeling lying in his arms that everything of me melts away and all that is left is truth. He’s done so much for me, and still does, and I feel that I’m not worthy of this crazy love he has for me. He loves me so much, and I can’t figure out the source of his bizarre worship of me. There are so many problems though. Basically the only times I like bend around him anymore are when we’re alone, and even then not all that much. He’s just starting to annoy me a lot. When we’re around other people, I’m embarrassed to associate with him. His sense of humor and propriety doesn’t match up with anyone else’s, and he doesn’t seem to realize that. Even if I think something is funny, I’m usually able to read into other people’s reactions, and play it down when things aren’t going right. Sean just keeps going, even when I desperately want him to shut up. I don’t want him near my friends, and I’m sure no one else likes it when he’s around. I’ve blamed him for wrecking my social life for quite a while now. Last year it was all Rocky stuff, but he was quite connected to that, as Rocky weekends meant Sean time. Over the summer I didn’t see several people because they were out of town, or even out of the country, but I had to specifically schedule time away from Sean if I wanted any chance of seeing my friends when they were around. I’m glad he let me go to OA last night, but that was probably because everyone wanted to see Corpse Bride, which was what we were going to do anyway. But of course I had to leave early because of him, as per usual. I’m not the one that decided 6:30 was a good time to get up. I’m actually glad he’s gone today, as this means I can enjoy the Firefly brainspike without worrying whether Sean’s getting sad about something I’m doing. I really hate having to censor myself around him. Every so often he jokes around, saying, “You’re too good for me, all I’m doing is holding you back.” I naturally respond, “NO! Stop saying that!” because the only reason he says things like that is to be reassured. What I’m really thinking whenever he says that, is “Of course you’re holding me back. You live 90 miles away from me so you’re barely part of my life, and yet somehow you’re able to dictate my behavior and actions!” He never forbids me to do anything, and I refrain from doing whatever it is out of respect and love for him, but still I’m being held back from doing something I might rather be doing, than sitting in my room, pining for him. I don’t know what I can do about this, because either way no one is happy. There are no good ends to this, because I don’t have enough sense to see that I shouldn’t be involved with someone possessive, under any circumstances. There’s no taking anything back, and I wouldn’t want to anyway. No regrets, just resenting my current position. I know that even if things did happen to cause an end, I would just bitch about how horrible it is to be without him, and miss him so much because he was so wonderful, and bla bla bla bla, but whatever. I’m cranky, and left with no acceptable choices. - Kitty
When Heather broke up with me, I started to find out a lot of things that she didn't like about our relationship that she never told me about. And because of that, I didn't think anything was wrong until she told me we should just be friends. Then I thought to myself that if I had known beforhand that I was doing things she didn't like, then I could've worked on them and things might've been better. |
