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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
another late night rant. September 12, 2005 - 0:46:52
So I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I suddenly realized the crucial difference between "I don't want a boyfriend" and "I don't want to be with Sean". While the former is true for me at the moment, the latter is most certainly not at all so. I love Sean, and when I am not with him (not physically in the same room, I mean whether he is mine and I am his or not) it feels like a core part of myself is missing, damaged, or frozen. Something like that. It does make sense though, that I would not want to be dating someone exclusively, based on certain things about me. I've been in the "I want to be single!" mindset since I graduated high school. The last two guys I've dated, it just sort of happened. I had all intentions of not being with anyone specific, and then I pair up with someone. Then I see all sorts of things that remind me of what I can't have, because in both cases, it's sometimes long distance, and that sucks. It sounds kind of dumb when I actually spell it out, but I wish I could be involved with who I wanted, not just sexually, but romantically, emotionally, and still be able to be with other people (in all those ways). I wish being in love with someone doesn't automatically mean being cut off from the possibility of anyone else, ever. Like I said, it sounds silly to actually state that in words, because when it's actually spelled out like that, it's obvious what I want. I wish I lived in a society where polyamory was more accepted, maybe common, not so frowned upon and taboo. It's yet another sexual minority that I don't even know if I can identify with, because I've never had a chance to experience it, and won't likely in the near future. I love Sean, and I'm not going to lose the best guy I've ever been with just so I can experiment to find out how well I fit with polyamory, bisexuality, and BDSM. I don't need those things now, and if in the future it turns out I do, it'll work out. Maybe Sean will become more open to something, or maybe things will end. There's no gaurantee that they will last forever anyway. With that in mind, though, there's no reason to ruin something I know is good, for something that there's only a chance of. If it happens, it will, but I'll let things go naturally, and let events happen as they may, in their own time. This is why I'm glad there's a computer in my room. Why is it these great epiphanies always happen when I'm in bed, trying to get to sleep? *looks over entry* Again, when I try to write my thoughts out, they end up leading somewhere different, and that's how I get even more insights to what's going on in my mind. - Kitty |
