A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems

holy fuck that's a long-ass rant June 27, 2005 - 20:11:33

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I can live without love. I've said many times that if I could I would make it so that I am incapable of love, so there wouldn't be this much pain in my life, as that's all love ever is for me. Others say that love is the greatest thing there is. If it's so wonderful, why am I just giving up? A big reason I thought things couldn't last was because I don't do well in long distance relationships. What if part of the problem last year was mostly due to Rocky crap? Just about the only times I saw him, it was for something that gave me ridiculous amounts of stress, and we never did any relationship stuff. Sean's roommate was saying that we needed to plan a romantic weekend for just the two of us. Maybe the reason I was unhappy in the relationship was that it didn't seem like I was in one, if we never got to do anything with just us. Why can't I do a long distance relationship next year, if we actually go about it the right way? Sean visited me for the weekend, as just a visit with no back and forth from the cities only once. We didn't really even get to enjoy it, because I was having some sort of breakdown. What if instead of seeing him every two weeks for a crappy, busy, stress filled weekend, we actually spent more time together and did things that we wanted to do, and didn't HAVE to do? I can't figure things out if I don't talk to him to know what he thinks. He's given me space to think on my own, and I've been determined to not make first contact, but what if he's just been leaving it up to me? What if I won't see him again unless I make an effort? I can't just let this slip away because I'm determined to save face. At least this week I've got various things going on, and next weekend is CONvergence, so I wouldn't be able to see him until next monday anyway. If I'm still going crazy about this I'll email him in a week and see how he feels. Of course by then he might talk to me about Fantastic Four.

If we get back together it might just end again, and give me more pain, but it just feels so wrong now. This is not how it should end. This is not the right time for the end of us. I love him, and I don't want to waste the time we could have together. Whatever regrets I've ever had have always been things that I didn't do, rather than things I did that I would take back. I don't want to add not trying again to the list. Even if it doesn't work out, I don't want to lose those possible moments forever. Do I call him? Do I wait? How long can I hold out not talking to him in any way?

How is it that over the past few days I've been completely fine, even when thinking of him? Why can't I see him in an ordinary situation that has a purpose other than talking and crying? We could be friends if we just did something, in a group, alone, whatever. I hate not seeing him. I miss all those stupid things that I hated at the end. His happy silliness, his constant movie quotes, his tickling, his pretend jealousy, singing the start to songs he knew I didn't like, everything. I miss doing nothing, watching movies, going out to eat, huggly snuggly, going comic book shopping, playing puzzle, being innapropriate, being silly, being cute, EVERYFUCKINGTHING!

Is this what I want? Am I just pretending? Will I ever know for certain? How bad would it be to not be back with him ever? How bad would it be to go back, and have it end again? How good could it be to be with the person that taught me love can be gentle happiness instead of terrifying uncertainty and pain? What is more important to me? What are the choices I'm supposed to be deciding between? Would he take me back? What is he feeling right now? Can I really let myself embrace love? Can I really go through life determined not to love?

Calm down, calm down, act when you're composed and not in a fit of emotion.
- Kitty

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