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P.A.P.E.R.C.L.I.P.
The Holidays are Killing Me. November 24, 2005 - 14:33:54
So just had my first navy thanksgiving dinner. It was pretty decent, but not home. And at home, my family is hosting our big group extended friends and family get together this year. I really wish i could be there. They know that, and in some way I'm there in spirit. Go to so many of these things and you can really just play one out in your mind. It's days like today where i just need to remind myself that I'm here for the greater good. My own and everyone else. For what I'm getting, missing Thanksgiving is a small sacrifice. It's not like I was going to always be there either. If I hadn't joined up, there would eventually have been something that would have taken me away. I've been spending today catching up on about two years of sluggy freelance that i never read. somehow i just stopped reading it. got to "The Sluggite Koan" storyarc and it really struck one hell of a chord with me. made me think about my life and all that, and kind of put me in a miserable woe is me mood. I really wish now that i had made more of my life when i had the chance to so that i wouldn't be here today. Don't get me wrong, because for who i am and what was going on, the navy was absolutely the right choice. But what i'm saying is that i wish i hadn't been so young and reckless back when i was young and reckless. now i'm slightly less young. I'm on duty today, by the way. problem is, there's no work to be done. Which is how I'm allowed all of this time to access the internet. normally i don't get this. But the problem with free time, if you aren't careful you'll wind up doing nothing. How long do you go without seeing someone or hearing from them before you start to wonder if they ever really existed at all? There's several people in my life that feel that way to me. Some people I'm glad I'll never have to see ever again, but ever again is an awfully long time. People also have a habit of popping into and out of my life. I've wanted to call her every day since the last time i saw her, when we went out separate ways across the country, but parts of me worry that she doesn't want to hear from me, or wouldn't remember me, or maybe just tell me i was wrong the whole time. Where I thought there was something, maybe she just was bored and looking for something to pass the free time with. I've got this memory in my head, where we hold each other, and it was beautiful. and that's how i want it to stay. Maybe someday when it doesn't seem real anymore, that's when i'll pick up the phone, buy the plane ticket, do something. But it is still too fresh, too breakable, too desirable. It may come as a shock, but I don't really have that many good memories of women. I do, but when I start to look back on them, I always end up with the bitterness and pain of how something good derailed. So that's why this is so precious to me. There wasn't fighting, or screaming or drama, just the rational realisation that it can't work right now. I think that's all i can say right now. I want you to be free don't worry about me and just like the movies we play out our last scene you won't cry, I won't scream - Winchester |
