a strange sort of community

Hi! I'm Kira! Um, this shall be a public blog!!! YAY!!! <3
September 5, 2005 - 10:19:59
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I guess I didn't post after band camp (I work a month at a band camp in Superior). And with a trip to Madison, packing, and marching band camp for UWEC between then and now, I just...I don't know. Haven't got around to it apparently.

Well, I'm back at UWEC (Bridgman...w0000000000) New roommate. I've known her since my sophpomore year in high school. She's a year/grade younger than me, and a vocal music education major. She also does a rocking job at the bass and can do flute as well as my high school band director taught. :)

I've seen quite a few people since I've been back. I've run into most of the people from band (haha in marching band) or otherwise. Anne (my roomie from last year, who lives right next door), Affy, Jeff, my cousin Amanda, and well, a lot of people.

The thing that was in the back of my mind ever since last year started to trouble someone else too. So, to make a long story short, we fixed it. It took crying, yelling, swearing, and stuff, but it all worked out. And I'm glad.

So, I know sevral of you were probably addressed at an NBC gaming metting last year that I was a stalker, ETC. Disregard that. That was a flat out lie. And I'm not sure what else was addressed when that was said, but It was most likely a lie too. Telling lies to cover up the truth, it just hurts too much. Now I guess I'd like to think someone would understand it. So, now I guess I'm not as scared anymore. I walked into the room shaking a couple times after I heard what was said of me, but I was too scared to keep that friendship that I didn't say anything. If you have any other questions, address me, please. I don't want you guys thinking I'm something I'm not.

- Kira-lee
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thanks... July 5, 2005 - 21:29:23
What gets me is that, being a music education major, I never EVER have gotten any support going down the band path from my high school band director. EVER. He hasn't even asked me how I'm doing since I've gone to college. He never encourgaed me in high school. EVER. And you think if someone wants to learn, and you'd encourage them. Especially when they're going INTO YOUR PROFESSION.

God. The people who care the most, my community band director, is a billion times more excited for me than my high school band director.

And, who's the most proud is my 8th grade band director, and I had him as a high school band director right before I moved. But he's in Mississippi. He still emails me and encourages me like no other. I miss him. And I can't even give him a hug for all the support he's given me throughout the years. I don't know if I'll ever see him again. And that's what tears me up. He's now brought Big Blue to a bigger and better level. They look amazing, thank god for the internet. Part of my heart is STILL with that band. And always will be. It gave me my first chance to feel like something was mine. And feel a part of something.

Another director that was a director at the same time, I'd love thank him for all he's done. He's done probably more after I left to me than when I was there. He directed the band a few times, being an assistant director, but never really taught me directly. He was always happy. I guess how he tought me, it was after he left. He passed away four days before I was to move to Wisconsin. He was 30. He only taught at WC for that...just a little over half a year. But, just to see how everyone missed him, how much he had done for the band and me. He fricken taught my little brother how to first make a note on the trombone. Ever. To play his first song. He did so much, touched so many, taught so many. I remember, one of the last football games we went to, no one sat with me on the bus, so he came and sat beside me. God, I miss Mr. James so much.

He gave my brother music.

I know in my heart, I'll never forget him. And it's impossible to thank him now, but something makes me think that he already knows.

Love of Big Blue...2000-2001.

- Kira-lee
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muhahahaha.... June 23, 2005 - 14:40:49


Um. That was random.

Another random thought -- It's funny how things twist in life. One of my best friends in jr. high and the first part of high school, well, I would have never expected him, now 20 years old, to be making (as in staring in) gay porn. Odd.


I know too many odd people.

- Kira-lee
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kira rants... June 21, 2005 - 22:28:41
I just need to get things out. Don't feel that you have to read. It's a Kira Rant! YAY?

I'm really happy with my life right now. I'm happier than I've ever been. It's summer, it's beautiful. I finally feel as if I can go through life all on my own. No one to depend on. (Like, friend/bf wise). I just realized that I didn't care really today, in the shower. I do a lot of thinking in the shower.

And I actually had a good cry today while doing my thinking in the shower as well.

I always am ME. Since I've moved up to Wisconsin from Mississippi, really, since about freshman year in high school, I stopped caring what everyone thought about me. I was happy just being me. If someone decided to hate me for something, fine. So the saying goes, "It's better to be hated for who you are then to be loved for who you're not." I live by that. If someone doesn't like me, I don't really care.

Well, a little while ago, I got tangled up in a mess with a guy. Turns out almost everything that came out of his mouth to me was a complete lie. I was dumb to trust someone. That goes for my lack of trust lately. But, that's not what I'm getting at. The point is, he lied to me. That doesn't bug me. I forgive. I do that. People shouldn't only get once chance. I don't even care that he's not talking to me anymore, whatsoever. So be it. I was so nice to him, I told him my secrets. I still think he knows me better than anyone I've ever known. Anywhoo...turns out he was not only lying to me, but lying to others ABOUT ME. Telling them that I was something I was not. So, turns out a few people highly dislike me, because they believed him. I mean, if you want to hate me, HATE ME, but not because of what you heard, especially since it's a lie. It's a LIE. I don't care if they hate me, but not because of something that isn't even TRUE!

I usually don't care, but it seems I can't even walk past them, look at them, without thinking they hate me because of this lie. I didn't do anything of the sort. I'd tell the whole story, but, it's something that I'd rather leave unsaid.

I want to tell these people, but chances are it's already so deep in their brains that I'm a horrible person, it won't matter anyway, or they wouldn't believe me. After all, they haven't known me that long anyway.

It just hurts me. After all I've been through.

I'm really nice. I've never done anything to hurt anyone. I'm not the hurting type. I forgive. I love. I mean, if you like me and talk to me, I'd practically do anything for you. I mean, I KNOW I do get rather annoying at times, and maybe even a tad bit too loving, but that doesn't make me bad, does it?

Well, considering in today's world, it might.

It just makes me upset that I've come SO FAR in my life, learning to love myself and not care. But I do care when it's a lie.

It's just still digging at the back of my mind. They think I'm something I'm not.

It makes me hurt.

All I want to do is be friends.

- Kira-lee
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bandbandband June 16, 2005 - 1:07:22
What the heck? I have band on the brain.

Soooooooo Joel didn't put me first chair for city band because I can only be at half of the rehersals/performances. Ah well. That's the only reason I'm not sitting first flute! Instead, I'm still first part, just third chair. Whatev. Not like I care much anyway.

The fact that Joel likes to make us play medleys usually sickens me. Except, for the fact, that the two he picked out for this summer are two of my faovorite movies!!! Moulin Rouge and Pirates of the Caribbean! The stuff from Moulin Rouge could be arranged better, butthe Pirates of the Caribbean one is arranged fantasticlly! <3

Today, since Bob (my boss at band camp) forgets about somethings about camp until the last minute (well, I wouldn't blame him, he's busy and does A LOT to make this camp happen...), I decided to get a head start for him. I'm making signs for the band kid's dorm doors (we always end up making them last minute on the computer). Instead, I'm making nice ones with construction paper, pictures of instruments, and glitter. All that needs to be added is their names. They look spiffy. I don't know why I'm proud of this, but, they each are taking 10 minutes to make, and I have to make SOOOOOO many of them. I'm gonig to make more than enough, because I don't know what the instrumentation of the kids staying in the dorm will be. Times that by four weeks. It's a floor of a dorm at UWSuperior, one layed out pretty much like Bridgman Hall at UWEC. (HAHA, anyone want to take a guess why I really liked Bridgeman?) Anyhoo...I'm also going to make up a couple posters. Yep yep.

Going boating tomorrow. ^_^ YAY! Don't know to which island yet, but one of them. ^^

- Kira-lee
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Almost the middle of June already? June 13, 2005 - 23:59:24
Well, not posting much because there's not a lot going on in my life.

I went to a couple graduation parties for a few friends this weekend.

My ex kept seeing me (at his party and another's) and trying to put his arm around me and hug me and such but I was just like no. I just don't like him like that. He's hurt me too much. I've gotten hurt by all the guys I've cared about, and I'm not going to go back to that. Plus, I don't feel anything more than friendship for Zach now anyway. Plus, he'll be in Appleton for college, not Eau Claire. Friends. Is fine. No more.

Plus, I am kind of crushing on a guy back at school. He's not in EC now, mind you...but I have an interest in him. I'm just scared that he'd say no. Or totally just use me like all guys have always done to me.

Ah, get me off the subject of boys!

On to...this week. City band starts tomorrow! First chair flute again, here we come! ^_~ And picc part on the infamous "Stars and Stripes". Ah, summer's always good for that, my friend!

Babysat tonight again. Love those kids more each time I sit for them. We sat and watched "Hocus Pocus" because it was on the Disney Channel. I told them I used to watch that since when it first came out when I was a little older than she was (she's almost 5 and the boy's 9). When the zombie dude came out of the ground she got scared and came to sit by me. Tehe, I forgot how sometimes things like that can make little kids scared. At the end of the movie she claimed she wasn't scared at all though. Then we watched some more Disney shows until their parents came home. I love kids. ^^

My grandma is coming to visit on Wednesday. And we all might go shopping in Duluth on Friday, my birthday!!!! Wow. It'll be odd to be 19. I'm getting old! Tehe.

Out for now.

- Kira-lee
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Boring Ol' Summer June 9, 2005 - 12:40:23
There is really nothing interetsing going on my life. It's sad. I mean, I take my car in to get it fixed today (whoo), and babysit tomorrow.

Chequamegon Bay City Band doesn't start for over another week. Arg. I wish I could play with someone. Or do something more interesting. Perhaps I shall steal my brother's trombone and learn that.

Piano is going good. Hopefully I'll be more prepared for Music108 than I was Music106. *le sigh*

I should practice my flute more. I've practiced my picc, all excited for marching season which doesn't start until late August.

I hate living in a small town. I have had no actual teenage contact (besides internet) and besides my brother. I really don't have any friends here, and my best friend from high school stayed in Iowa for the summer! Arg and a half. I miss Billit.

I want work to start. Apparently they already have 400+ kids for the four weeks. I'm not sure how many each week, but, wow. That would be on average 100+ a week. I wonder how many are staying at the dorms? Being a band camp concelor is harder than it seems sometimes. But, I love it. Plus, Baca's coming back for the jazz weeks! Alright! I wonder what this year's bands will provide for me. They stick the concelor's in where there's gaps in the sections. Last year, I got placed on clarinet in the top band, which was wow for me. Playing on my third instrument pretty hard stuff. I learned so much. And the second week, they stuck me in the percussion section, I've never played percussion before! That was interesting. I now know how percussionists are so silly though. Learned a lot.

Last time I drove through Superior, it looks like they tore minigolfing out! Darn, there goes one of our activites for camp. Gotta think of something else to do Tuesday's. We've gone mini golfing way back since I actually attended this camp, 3 years ago. Every Tuesday, all 8 weeks I've been/worked at the camp, it's been mini golf Tuesday. *le sigh* At least no one can take our Wednesday night cookouts/jam sessions from us! Muhahaha.


The end! I gotta go get ready to take my car in. w00t.

- Kira-lee
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the good stuff June 4, 2005 - 1:01:50
Just to let you know, if you guys wanted, my friends only journal is Add me there and then you'll get all the juicy details of my life! (TEHE...)

Um. Other news, I'm FINALLY going to see Episode III tomorrow. Yay!

- Kira-lee
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1 AM June 3, 2005 - 2:08:21
Yeah. Just watched a movie that was very depressing to me. (I don't know why, but some movies/stories are).

Reason why I shouldn't pick out random movies at the libary.

Went into Duluth today with my parents. Went shopping. Was out looking for jeans. You think finding jeans that are long and not stretch in my size would be easy to find, right? Wrong. So, no jeans. But, I did get a skirt, shirt, and four tank tops! And six cds from the pawn shop. (Hey, I'm cheap).

Yeah. My day. w00t, exciting, isn't it?

- Kira-lee
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