Utter Confusion :: The Life of the Traegorn

Utter Confusion
Posted May 13, 2009 - 12:53:37	Tweet

So one of my stranger abnormalities is that I obsess about an idea until I can find some way to find resolution for it. Sometimes this is a blessing, as it's what lets me focus enough to write for extended periods of time, create my various projects, crank out research papers of a decent quality in an evening, or even run a convention you might have heard of. Needless to say, my brain's desire to lock onto something and not let it drop has been advantageous at many points in my life.

This point is not really one of them.

I'm not going to dig through details on this one, and I'm sure that if I look back at this entry in a few years I'll have no idea what this is even written about, but at the moment it's literally causing me to lose sleep.

Earlier this week one of my better friends got mad at me. Now, while uncommon, it's not unheard of for people who have been friends for a while to have occasional disagreements - and if that were the case here, I'm sure I'd be worried but able to put this out of my mind. Here's the thing though... I have no idea what's actually going on.

Either I did something that hasn't been explained to me or some action or words of mine have been misinterpreted. In either case, all I know is that my friend went from being friendly to fuck off in a moment... and I have no idea what happened.

Seriously, I just have absolutely no idea.

It was in a conversation online about a friend of his, and I'm pretty sure my intentions were just misunderstood. But as he won't actually talk to me at all (I've tried calling a couple of times and left two voicemails over the last few days), there is very little that I can do.

Geh.

So because I lack any sort of real resolution on this issue, my brain has locked on it and won't let me stop thinking about it. This is preventing me from being able to focus, from being able to sleep, and pretty much from being able to relax at all. I know it sounds ridiculous - it's just an argument between friends - but this is how my brain works. Last night I woke up to my leg twitching from stress, and wasn't able to fall asleep until two hours later.

If this were a project, I'd just wake up, work on it for five to fifteen minutes, and be able to crawl back into bed and go to sleep. In this case though, there's not much that I can do in the middle of the night. If I knew exactly what was going on, I could at least determine whether I was right or wrong or whatever and maybe move on. If this person wasn't a good friend, I'd just write the whole thing off.

None of these are true though, so I'm stuck.

So, two nights with very little sleep will likely be followed by another tonight. I honestly wish I had the ability to turn this off. I wish I could just push it out of my mind or something, but that seems unlikely.

Man, I sound angsty...
- Traegorn