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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
Sometimes I hate myself. March 29, 2007 - 14:27:34
Apparantly I've been complaining about the mess at the Manor and acting as though I live there. The latter I will concede to, and admit that it's not cool. That's something to work on, and makes me feel bad. The first, though, I have no memory of doing. Brian has said that I have most definitely complained about the kitchen, or dishes, or whatnot, but I don't feel that I have. Perhaps I've said something in passing about there being dirty dishes or something, but it certainly wasn't anything enough to stick in my mind, and I haven't ever been upset about the state of the house. I guess the only thing I can think of is my siding with Pat on occasion about his complaints about the house. That was only saying that he had the right to complain, but perhaps they all think I agree completely with him that the house is disgusting. The thing that bothers me is that Neil is worried about living with Brian next year if I'm going to be over there a lot. He doesn't want to come home after a hard day of work with me there being cranky. I will admit that he shouldn't have to deal with someone else's emotional problems all the time, but I'm a bit startled that it's that much of an issue. I don't know what he would think if Brian had a problem with Erika being there very much. Perhaps she will be living with Neil for real next year instead of just for all practical purposes, but the comparison in my mind is not good. I worry that Brian and I are only together for convinience, such as being in all the same classes and in the same school groups, and having the same friends. Then there's the other worry that our groups of friends are Brian's friends, and not mine. I don't really doubt that if we broke up he would be the one invited to everything, and I would get tossed to the curb. It makes me want to just stop contact just so I don't get hurt. I honestly don't know what Brian thinks about the future for us, and I'm terrified to ask. About six months ago there was the possibility that we would live together next year. Gradually it evolved to a situation that seems as though it would be the worst thing possible if we did. I had been assuming that we would perhaps live together the year after next, but now I'm scared that it will never happen. I can't even finish this because I'm too scared to put to writing what I really want out of this. - Kitty |
