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Mildly Educated Guesses
I don't know crap...but I can at least guess.
Head Case July 12, 2006 - 10:03:51
What the hell. I've had this really bad procrastination problem for all of my life. Every time this happens, I say to myself "Damn it Chris, you can't let things go! You're killing yourself!" I really do try to get things done, but it always takes some kind of kick in the pants. I got a pretty hard kick today.

It seems that the worse things get, the worse I make them for myself. I always know that things need to get done, but I just can't force my stupid ass to follow through on ANYTHING. Yes, I am fully aware that "inability to complete tasks" is a tell-tale sign of ADD/ADHD, but I've never been diagnosed or medicated .

I've kind of dug myself into a hole. Again. I won't bore you with the details, but I have not only my school and my credit card company breathing down my neck for money, but also a ER bill that's pending as well. I had to go to the ER because a pinch in my back turned into a really bad Panic Attack, and I nearly passed out. Just thinking about it makes my chest tighten up. At the time it felt like my ribcage shrunk and there was a huge boulder on my chest preventing me from breathing.

I know it's happening, but I just. can't. make myself do it. But 'it', I mean whatever procrastinated action I'm speaking of.

Anywho, I think I've found a reason why this always happens to me (besides the obvious "i'm an 'effing retard" excuse) : I'm a damn coward. I know you're thinking "don't be so hard on yourself!", but it's 100% true. I've always been extremely nonconfrontational. Maybe it's because the first and only time I ever stood up for myself ended up with mildly severe head trauma (I was stabbed in the head with a sharpened pencil after standing up to a bully, and had to have graphite surgically removed from my scalp and skull, along with about a dozen stitches. I was in early elementary school at the time).

Where was I going with this? Oh, the possible cause. Now, I'd like to say that I'm smart enough to know I can't just leave stuff sitting, but for some reason I either forget or rationalize some excuse. I friggin' HATE myself for it. Is it that I'm afraid of confrontation, even with events in my own life?

I have no idea. All I know is that I keep hurting the ones that I love because of it, and I don't know what I can do about it...

I can say this, though:

Just because I procrastinate, doesn't mean I don't care. Just because I have a hard time finishing something doesn't mean it's impossible. Just because I don't have answers to all of my life's questions doesn't mean I don't have a plan. And just because there isn't a ring or a title doesn't mean I don't want to wake up every morning next to the most wonderful person I've ever known/kicker-in-the-pants/love of my life.

After speaking to my girlfriend for a couple of hours about this, I think I'm going to start to take more risks in my life. I get so caught up in a daily routine that I'm comfortable with that I don't even realize it (as the world around me just passes me by). I'm going to take more acting classes, and I think I'm going to try for a part in a production. It's completely NOT something I would normally do...but that's the point.
- Cap'n Kellin
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go for it kellin. :)
YOU CAN DO IT!
Jesus, a pencil?!

I'm glad to say that adults tend to solve their problems much differently than children.  Like with words and fists.  YOU CAN TAKE THEM!

Most people are cowards anyway, so it doesn't really take much to rise above.  Stand your ground.  You can do eeeet!

~Sean