Lately I've had this irresistable urge to draw. I've broken in a new sketchbook, and even though I really haven't produced artwork in months, I can't help myself. My results have been mixed - nothing really noteworthy - but I'm enjoying it none the less.
The problem is I don't really have the TIME to do this. I need to finish this website by tonight so the PMN has something functional for the morning. Mind you, I don't need to have the final details - just something they can use - but I've been effectively hitting my head on a wall... and all I want to be doing is creating something else.
This is why I left computer science. HTML, Perl, Java... these aren't tools for me, they are a medium. It's like a pencil and paper - I'm producing artwork of a sort. A medium for creativity, if you will. Draw a picture, write a story, produce a CGI script - these are things that I do impulsively, and whenever I try to force them I still get good results, but the joy isn't there. The joy is from the spontaneous creation, the following of my muse. When something sparks, I catch fire and just want to burn with it. I don't want to hold it back and get other work done - I want to do that thing that posesses my soul at that moment.
Now, as a functional adult I realize that I can't just go around doing that, and that I'm getting paid to do thing X, so I have to do thing X regardless of what I want to do... but the kindling still won't go out, and I sit here smoldering... just wanting to ignite.
This is why TRHOnline exists - so I have an outlet for my flames. Of course, I have sketchbooks full of art that have never materialized on the site - I think the last time I updated the "Art Gallery" was almost four years ago. The images on that page aren't even the best examples of my work from 2002 - and needless to say I've gotten better. But it is true that my short films have ended up here, along with my strange funn with Steven Seagal's one-note filmography...
There are other problems as well. As much as people like the products of these creative fits, I am (as Erika is very aware of) incredibly frustrating to be around when I am in them. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want anyone around at all. I just want to be alone and create. I can, in fact, become an unbearable ass if you do try and talk to me. Needless to say, it's a miracle that Erika puts up with me when I'm in these moods, and I am greatful everyday for her.
But I digress. Did I mention I get really wordy when I'm in these moods? Yeah.
But I have to get back to work, so Andrew has something for him to use tonight.