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A collection of rants, mostly about relationships and my various emotional problems
Where is my conviction? June 13, 2005 - 11:54:39
He kissed me, and said goodbye. I have no idea what's going on, but I think I have had the last kiss I will ever have with Sean, and I didn't even kiss back. I wanted to talk. I wish he had just said no, instead of saying "Yes, talking is a good idea" and coming over here just to leave forever. It's probably for the better that now I can't think in terms of possibly being with him, but that was the worst way to go about it. I feel worse now than I've felt in all the time we've been apart, because this feels final now. Part of me has been cut away, and I can never get it back. I love him, and it feels that without him I'll just wither and die. I don't want to do anything anymore, because Sean doesn't want me. I want to send him an email so I can figure out what happened, but I know I should never make contact with him again, only leave that to him to initiate. With one kiss he hurt me more than anything he has said or done in this entire time, and I hate him a little for it. I hate me for hating him, because I must have hurt him worse when I first said I didn't want to be with him. I guess he's just giving me back what I gave him, playing a nice little role reversal. Never again. Those words stab at my brain, and I am lost. I don't want to be myself if it means I can't be with him, and I know I can't, with all the things that have happened. The only thoughts in my head right now seem to be "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!" I was right about being scared to fall in love. I'm going to make it my new goal to be the frigid bitch I claim to be so that I will never hurt like this again. - Kitty
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