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Is returning to old habits necessarily a bad thing?
Posted Apr 13, 2004 - 1:19:39

I've been thinking about this tonite, what is the difference between stifling growth and reclaiming self? I spend a lot of time talking about rebirth, and I have to ask "Which is the actual rebirth?". I throw around the phrase "De Morte Transire Ad Vitam" as my personal motto, but is that supposed to be the rebirth of the old me, or a new me altogether?

What do I actually mean? What is it that I feel when I say it?

I don't think I'm quite sure anymore. I stood firmly on the opinion that I was supposed to be evolving into something new, but does that mean that I am supposed to abandon what used to make me... well... me? It's a quandary that is on the forefront of my surprisingly overly simple mind.

I know I usually wait longer between updates on this blog, because I tend to write longish entries, but this is something that I've been thinking about and I'm in a slightly introspective mood tonight.

I've been reading Leah's livejournal tonite, and it's made me think of processes that I went through once in my life, and the disconnection that I voluntarily made for self survival many years ago. It was growth, it was a change of me, but I've left behind things that were crucially me. Things that were part of the public me of old have shifted to the private, and is that a bad thing or a good thing? Should I be more open, or should I continue to live this way. I've always lived a double life, as a now wizened me understands may be more common than once thought, but in my quest to unite the two mes, all I've done is change which part of me goes into each category.

If anything, my attempt to create a single united me has caused a greater divide between my private and public selves. I've become even more of an recluse than I used to be, even though I appear to be more open and public today than ever.

I can share thoughts and words with anyone, but it's become even more hard to share my emotions with others. I can share gestures in words, but not in feeling.

And this is all just a colliding ramble at this point, and if you're still paying attention I'd be surprised. This is what happens when I listen to REM in the middle of the night, and get to thinking about stuff. (That reminds me, if I ever make a movie, I will have an obscure "Losing My Religion"/90210 reference - if you can tell me what that'd be in the comment feed, you get 20 points). William Burroughs' voice saying the words "F*** me Kitten" just brings out weird stuff in me.

But to get back to my original subject, I sometimes wonder what I'm really trying to achieve with my own personal growth. I know what I want in life, and where I need to go, but do I know how I'm supposed to be when I get there? Really, am I supposed to be more like I used to be, only with a better perspective - or am I supposed to grow into this new thing that I've been becoming. I know I liked the old me, but do I like the new me yet? I don't know if I can tell yet. Or am I just deluding myself, and I've never changed at all.

I'd make the worst literary protagonist ever, I swear.

I can spout off nice pretty words for everything, turn life into parable and make it all sound like a nice lesson for the future... but does any of it mean anything? Or am I just writing words that I can use to reaffirm my own pre-existing opinions and views, without any real insight into the true meanings that I am attempting to imply? Pretty words cannot make a false lesson any truer than it was in the first place.

Sigh... I'll just talk myself into circles if I keep this up. For those of you who think that this bizarre mix of words, mixed metaphors and voiced inner monologue means that I'm unhappy with anything right now is missing the point. I feel fine, I'm just thinking in text tonight.

Oh yeah, and again I feed the Pig: Positron Glider.
- Traegorn

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