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Broken Mirrors, Shattered Dreams. | |
Posted Feb 19, 2004 - 1:17:17
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I was forced to take a long, hard look at myself today.
I've been full of anger these last few weeks. And part of me has known why... but part of me hadn't figured it out yet.
It's so compound, and so deep, that it's hard to break free from it. I make excuses for it, and faux explanations... but in truth, it's pain... raw and tumbling, torrential and unmitigated pain.
This isn't just about some stupid primary. This isn't just about some girl. This isn't just about infighting between my friends. This isn't just about stress about looking for work. This isn't just about stressing about school. This is a million and a half things, all at once.
Right now all I can see are the losses, and I need to stop that. I need to open my eyes and look at the victories. I need to remember that two years ago I was working Best Buy without any real hope. I need to remember that a year ago, I had a cummulative GPA of 1.69, and now it's 2.89, and I'll break 3.0 this semester. I need to remember that I still have wonderful people in my life, and a whole mess of friends and family back in Milwaukee who love me... and who are just a phone call away if I'd get off my butt and dial...
I called Anthony "worthless" yesterday when I was pissed off... and I feel horrible about it. I honestly didn't even think about it until he pointed it out today... I then apologized. But now I feel like crap about it. I need to watch what I say. Verbal violence is still violence and can cause harm. I don't know...
I had a dream that involved Erin's bunny Isis. No, not Erin and her bunny, *just* the bunny. I wonder what the hell that means...
I eventually have a couple of funny updates to type out. Mostly they're filler -- but they're funny filler. I need to lighten up I think, and they're a nice way to add some levity to this space. I need to just release this negativity once and for all. I need to remember that I have a good life, and that for every pitfall, there has been a victory as well.
I need to remember that I am where I am supposed to be, and nowhere else. There is a plan for me, and just because I can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.
There is hope, even if I can't recognize it. I'm going to put Rachael's blog back on the mainpage tomorrow/today/whatever now that Dean is out of the presidential race. I'm disappointed that he lost, but the election continues.
I'm also going to the Russ Feingold meetup tomorrow. It's at Acoustic Cafe, which will be nice. I haven't gone there in months... and I do love the place. It's one of my favorite things in Eau Claire.
Ah well, I think I'm going to get some sleep. Goodnight, everyone.
- Traegorn
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