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The Life of the Traegorn
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I stand still and the world moves on without me...
Posted Oct 13, 2003 - 19:04:52

I'm sitting here alone, and just wondering what the heck is going on.

I'm not depressed, that much is clear. So don't look at this as unhappiness. Some recent days have been very happy. Saturday was a very good day (except for the burning my hand on a 450 degree cookie sheet when pulling garlic bread out of the oven... yeah, that was PAINFUL!). Friday night was excellent. In fact, most of my days are at least eighty-percent good.

Most of them.

And yet... I think I feel guilty that I'm having good days. Too many people connected to me are having bad days. People I'm very close to aren't happy at all, and sometimes... I feel like I shouldn't be so wondrous at life.

I also feel like people don't take me seriously. And that's my own damned fault. I'm goofy. I'm damned goofy. But I think that often my joking appearance supersedes just how seriously I take some things. I may not be a great thinker, but I often think my ideas are dismissed because no one thinks that I can be serious.

But I can.

There are things I know and feel which are beyond my own vocabulary, and I stand here searching for words to get them out. I can't. I do not speak the language that they are expressed in. I cannot tell you what I think and know, because I have not been gifted with the speech I yearn for.

I just used "yearn" in a sentence, what the hell is wrong with me?

See, look at that, I can't maintain a serious streak without breaking stride. Okay, so maybe it's because the only thing worse than being goofy in my mind is being pretentious.

Which I think I've at least stopped being for a very long time. Y'know, I used to write really bad poetry back when I was a sophomore in High School? I thought it was really deep at the time... I have since realized it was crap. And mildly amusing.

I also get accused of being a know-it-all, or that I have to be right... which I want to say is not true. But I know that I come off like that. I think it's because I want people to argue with me. I want them to prove me wrong. I want them to come up with evidence, throw it in my face, and say "HERE! This is why I'm right!"

Why? Because I want to know more. I want to be educated, to expand my mind, to learn from another's point of view...

...but instead I'm labeled an asshole, and life moves on. Yep, don't mind me, I'm just Goofy-Asshole Trae.

Gah! I just want to break out of this paradigm that I seemed destined to fulfill. (Again, I just used paradigm in a sentence! What the hell's wrong with me!) But every time I sit down and say, "That's it, I want to be taken seriously!" I just fall back into my own patterns, and nothing happens. It's my own fault, I know it. But maybe things don't have to stay that way...

I can change. I promise I can.
- Traegorn

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