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Disconcerted.
Posted May 10, 2003 - 13:44:28

Hmmmm... ever get that feeling that something was wrong, but not have the ability to put your finger on it? Yeah.

Actually, I'm full of shit. I know exactly what's wrong - I'm just afraid to admit it to myself. I guess it's one of those things... for some retarded reason, my subconscious thinks that it's a good idea to pretend like I have no idea what's going on, when I'm completely aware. I know what's bothering me. I can see it, plain as day. Just, for some stupid reason, it makes me feel better to pretend that I don't.

I'm generally restless right now, restless with life. I need to do something or my head's going to explode. And no, this has nothing to do with quitting caffiene. I tried to play it off yesterday as that, and while it's partially true -- I've been feeling like this for longer than that.

Why did I have to go complicate my life? I mean, I had things simplified. I had made it so I could walk out of my life in Eau Claire and make a fresh start. While there were people I'd stay in contact with, I would have an almost entirely clean emotional slate. I would have been able to begin everything from scratch...

...and instead I bind myself in more. Not that I regret a single action, mind you. I think I made the right choices, given the circumstances. But it merely proves that we live in an imperfect world. Literally, nothing I could have done would have made me completely happy. Honestly, there's nothing that anyone can do now to make me completely happy.

I don't want to make it sound like I hate my life or anything, quite the contrary. Even with my complete and total disconcertion at the moment, I can't say that I'm not (for the most part) having a good time. But I'm having these moments, and I started typing this update in the middle of one.
- Traegorn

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